Jokes

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught and stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, AND smoking!" Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! ... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to. The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions." The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions." The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, vajpaee and Musharraf decided to visit each other's country regularly. The first visit was by Musharraf to India. There Vajpaee showed him India's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Musharraf made a call to General Yahya and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only Rs1. When Musharraf came back, he also wanted Pakistan's telecommunication systems to be at the best when Vajpaee visited Pakistan. Suitable arrangements were made. Vajpaee came to Pakistan, visited the telecom department and talked to Rajiv Gandhi for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500! Vajpaee asked with a sarcastic smile - "Why are telephone calls so costly in Pakistan?" A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply - " From India, it is a local call, Sir, while from Pakistan it is long distance!!! "

Two Guys Were Playing Golf, A Japanese And American, The Japanese Man Getting Ready To Tee Off, Begins Talking Into His Thumbs. The American Says: What Are You Doing?. The Japanese Man Says: Oh, Don't Worry, With Micro Technology, I Have A Microphone Inserted In My Thumb, I Was just Recording A message. The Two Men Go On Playing Golf. All Of A Sudden, The American Man Makes A Funny Sound That Sounds Amazingly Like A Fart. The Japanese Man looks Over At Him. Oh, Says The American: Don't Worry, I Am Just Receiving The Fax.

A Medical Student Is Taking A Test And One Of The Questions He Sees Is: "Name The Three Best Advantages Of  Mother's Milk." The Student Immediately Writes, "One: It Has All The Healthful Nutrients Needed To Sustain A Baby. Two: It Is Inside The Mother's Body And Therefore Protected From Germs And Infections." But The Student Can't Think Of The Third Answer. Finally, He Writes "Three: It Comes In Such Nice Containers."

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.

State cop: "License and registration please."

Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"

State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."

Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."

Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."

State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb bitch, shut your fucking' mouth!!!"

State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?

Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?"

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by wind, hail and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they're all going to die. A woman jumps up and yells "I can't take this anymore!. I just can't sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I'm going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She sees a hand raised in the back and a muscular man, tall and buffed, starts walking up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. Even in the plane's dim lighting, she can see his firm muscles. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says "I can make you feel like a woman. Are you interested?" She nods her head "yes." He hands her his shirt and says "Here - iron this."

Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden." said the first man. "So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked. "Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The gardener said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old  woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, "Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir." Then, turning to the airman, he barked, "Now what do you want?" "Nothing important," the airman said, "I just came to install the telephone."

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER” in just 30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous … what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbor. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.

Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade. After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!" They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing. They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"

An english man and a desi man were both going to a interview. They were asked to use the colours green. pink and yellow. The english man goes in and says the grass is green, the sun is yellow and the sunset is pink. The desi man goes in and says my phone goes green green i pink it up and i say yellow!!

3 scientists happen to meet each other by chance at a party, an American, a Russian, and a Pakistani. They boast their country's science achievements. The Russian says: We were the 1st ones in space, the American says, we were the 1st to go to moon, The Pakistani thinks hard and says: we will be 1st ones on the sun! Both the American and Russian start laughing, and say to the Pakistani, you stupid the sun is too hot, your spaceship will burn b4 it reaches the sun. The Pakistan scientist remains cool and calm, and says: You are stupid. We will go there at night !!!

Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of Germany called?

Student: They r called Germs.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SILVIA: Your name on this report card.

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "frog with four feet, jumps four feet." So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "frog with three feet, jumps three feet." So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "frog with two feet, jumps two feet." The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "frog with one foot, jumps one foot." So the scientist cut off his last leg. "He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!" So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf.”